


The Diary of Dean Winchester

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: First Time, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-25
Updated: 2013-08-10
Packaged: 2018-09-03 19:46:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 19,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8727847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: WINCEST Sam is in love with his brother and he never thought Dean would feel the same way, until he finds Dean's diary. Now he will do whatever he can to make Dean admit his feelings...WHATEVER he can





	1. The Discovery

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** This is also posted on fanfiction.net under a different pen name of mine, SamXDeanX4eva

A/N Hey guys, multi chap fic containing WINCEST (You have been warned) pre-series (Sam 17 Dean 21) Reviews are love!

 

Disclaimer: I do not own supernatural I just rent for my own twisted desires

 

Dean Winchester had a secret. It was a horrible awful secret that he could never tell anyone. It was a secret that made him ashamed of himself and question his manhood. Dean Winchester kept a diary.

 

Ok no not a diary, that was way to girly. Diaries are for pre-teens who gush about their favorite boy bands or emo kids like Sammy. Dean kept a journal, like his father except instead of writing about monsters he wrote about the day to day shit that happened to him.

 

When they are traveling Dean keeps it at the bottom of his personal weapons duffel hidden at the bottom of a box of ammo. Sam didn't go on hunts or trained without John or Dean so he never had any reason to dig that far in the bag.

 

Recently they had been staying in a small apartment John was renting because they would be in town for a few months while Sam finished out his junior year. John had been gone for about two weeks and needed to take the bag so Dean had hidden it in one of the pillow case on his bed. Even though they shared a room Sammy had his own bed so the diary err…journal should be safe.

 

Dean had an image to uphold. Dean was a sexy macho ladies man and even when it was just him and his family he had a certain persona he wanted to project. He was the older brother, the protector, the perfect little soldier; it didn't do anyone any good to sit around discussing fears and wants and feelings. However, he was human and he did have those things running around in his head and he figured it would be better if he wrote them down and got them out so they couldn't distract him from the important things.

 

Dean was always honest in his journal, if he wasn't then what was the fucking point? The whole reason he even wrote in one was so he could have some place to bitch and complain and vent his girly issues where no one would judge him. It was hard to be completely honest sometimes but if he went through all the effort of packing away the thing, hiding it, writing in it when Sammy was in school or even sneaking it into the bathroom when Sammy was home on weekends, then he was sure as hell going to make it worthwhile.

 

(BREAK)

 

Sam was surprised when he came home from school and Dean wasn't home. It wasn't panic worthy, since Sam had turned 17 Dean didn't pick him up at school or wait for him anxiously but it was unusual Dean wasn't home.

 

Upon further inspection Sam found a note on the kitchen table that Dean was working late at the garage job he got when they first moved here (since they were going to be here for a while why not earn some decent cash?) and that he would bring home dinner. Sam smiled at that. Typical Dean, working a late shift and he still thought about what Sam was going to eat.

 

Dean's thoughtfulness was one of a million reasons why Sam loved his brother. Sam really, REALLY loved his brother. He was practically over the moon for Dean but those were feelings he stopped trying to examine years ago. So what if he got his first hard on to hearing Dean jerk off in the bathroom? That's perfectly normal. Ok maybe not PERFECTLY normal but it isn't TOO weird. It doesn't matter that Sam goes out of his way to make Dean laugh and smile because it does something warm to his stomach, Dean was his best friend of course he wants him to be happy. Of course there were the times Sam got a little jealous over the girls Dean hooks up with but that was fine a lot of little brothers get jealous when their older brother gets laid.

 

Right? Except he wasn't jealous of Dean because he got girls, he was jealous of the girls because they got Dean.

 

No big deal…yeah right.

 

Anyway, Sam had come to terms with all of that. He knew how he felt and he knew it would never happen. If Dean ever knew how Sam felt he would leave him and Sam was not willing to lose his big brother. Regardless he still did his best to make Dean happy and since it was Friday and he didn't have to do homework Sam decided to straighten up so the apartment could be semi clean without Dean having to do housework (as if he ever would anyway).

 

Sam started with the kitchen. They didn't have a dishwasher so he attacked the mound of dirty plates first. From there he moved onto the living room, picking up magazines and DVD cases, he even vacuumed the remains of an ill-fated popcorn fight the brothers had the night before. Sam skipped over John's room since it has barely been used and he would be mad if either of them went in there anyway and went straight for his and Dean's room.

 

The room itself wasn't horribly messy. The two of them didn't have many possessions and the ones they did have were mostly weapons and they certainly didn't leave those lying around. At this point though, Sam was on kind of a cleaning kick so he looked around for something to do. After a moment his gaze settled on Dean's sheets. How many times had Dean come home from some dirty bar and fell into bed without even washing his face? Too many to count and Sam was pretty sure he had never washed these sheets.

 

Sam stripped the comforter and then the sheets. After a moment's hesitation he started to remove both of the pillow cases as well, but stopped when something heavy fell out.

 

It looked like…a journal? It was faded brown leather held together with a Velcro strap. Not the most expensive thing in the world but from the looks of it the owner had opened and used it often. Sam was stunned. This had fallen from Dean's pillow case but certainly it couldn't be Deans. Obviously there was one way he could find out for sure but Sam couldn't open it, it wasn't his. He was about to put it down but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. Sam was an awesome little brother, he even used to do Deans homework! Once in a while he deserved to do some of the things bratty little brothers were supposed to do.

 

Sam opened up the journal to a random page:

 

Dad left me behind AGAIN. He said it was so I could take care of Sam but Sammy is 16 and this was a simple salt and burn one town over! It would be two days tops and I know he may not need me on this one but she still should have taken me. Something could have gone wrong and even if it didn't I need to be there on these things. Dad says I don't have enough experience to hunt on my own but he won't let me go on any hunts to get experience! Sometimes I could just tell dad off. Oh well, at least I get to hang out with Sammy.

 

Sam smiled at that. Dean wrote exactly how he spoke; it was almost as if the two were standing there having a conversation. He flipped foreword a few pages and read again.

 

I fucked a chick last night. Her name was Brandi or Brittany or something stupid like that. This girl was so easy she let me do it behind the bar, told me I didn't even need to wear a condom. Obviously I did, it was clear that chick did it often enough to have something. It was ok, I sort of wanted to stop the moment I got started. Her voice was too feminine; it was like that really annoying pitch where it almost sounds fake, like the girl is forcing it to sound that way. She had streaky blonde hair, I am so sick of blondes. I need to spend less time at the bars and more time hanging out with Sam, it's just more fun.

 

Sam smiled again but he also felt a little confused. Hanging out with him was more fun than going to the bar? Yeah right, Dean was probably drunk when he wrote that. Sam flipped through it again and stopped at a more recent entry when he saw his name.

 

Sam is trying to kill me! I swear the kid sits up at night and plots ways to make me suffer. He usually takes showers in the morning before school and that's fine I am usually either asleep or out. The kid switched it up tonight; he took one right before bed. He walked in wearing nothing but a towel acting like it was no big deal, I had to practically fist the sheets to stop myself from jumping him. He didn't even have the decency to towel off first, he still had water running down his chest for christs'sake! I am such a sick fucking freak he is my baby brother and I am staring at him like some fucking pedophile at Chuckee Cheese. The kid drives me crazy, I love him, what the fuck do I do?

 

Sam stared at the page open mouthed. At some point while reading that he had sat down on the bed but he couldn't remember doing it. Dean wanted him? DEAN wanted him? Dean wanted HIM? How was this even possible! Sam's mind instantly started playing fantasies of the two of them together but he banished the thoughts. Dean may (MAY) want him, but it was clear he was scared. What should Sam do?

 

He could go tell him he feels the same way, but he would have to tell Dean he read his diary (well journal, Dean would kill him if he knew Sam called it a diary). Maybe it was worth it, but Sam didn't want to pressure Dean into anything. Even if Dean couldn't accept his feelings he would do it to make Sam happy and that's not what Sam wants. Sam wants Dean to initiate things between them willingly. So no, Sam couldn't let Dean know he knew.

 

There was one thing he could do. It was obvious Dean wrote in this thing almost every day. Sam could put it back and then try to drive Dean crazy. Dean would write about it and Sam could see if it was working and what he should do better.

 

Sam would make Dean break and come to him first, a Winchester never left a job unfinished, and Dean was Sam's new project.


	2. Stepford Sammy

Sorry for typos, I really need to stop writing at like 5 AM

 

Sam felt his stomach twist nervously as he heard the front door open…show time.

 

Sam was in the middle of cooking dinner when Dean walked in. He was wearing nothing but a pair of loose fitting jeans that hung low on his hips. His face was flushed from standing over the stove and his eyes were bright as he turned to give his brother a dimpled smile.

 

"Hey Sam," Dean started before faltering. He took in his brother's appearance quickly, letting his eyes roam over Sam's bare chest before carefully schooling his features into a calm mask.

 

"Hey Dean, thought you might be hungry," Sam offered another blinding smile before turning back to the boiling pasta.

 

"Clearly cooking requires you to be shirtless," Dean said sarcastically, edges of his mouth quirking into a half smile.

 

"Shut up dude you know how hot it gets in here when the stove is on."

 

Dean sat down at the kitchen table and regarded his brother fondly as Sam began to hum a few bars of Blue Oyster Cult.

 

"You seem in an exceptionally good mood tonight little brother," Dean observed. "Glad to see those hormones let you stop being a little bitch for a few hours."

 

"Thanks jerk," Sam said, making a face. "Not even your mouth can ruin my night Dean I have no homework for the first time in a long time and I can finally just relax. I even rented Terminator for us to watch later."

 

Dean eyed the muscles in his brother's back appreciatively as he strained the pasta.

 

"Hmm dinner and the promise of explosions?" Dean narrowed his eyes. "What did you do Sammy, God you better not have taken out my baby!"

 

Sam laughed as he walked over to Dean and clapped him on the shoulder. "Your baby is safe Dean. I didn't do anything you ass-hat I'm trying to be nice."

 

Dean tensed when he felt Sam's hand on his shoulder but now that the sight of a half naked brother wasn't directly in front of him he got a chance to finally look around.

 

"Wow Sammy you cleaned," Dean laughed. "Either you need some money or you turned into a stepford wife over night."

 

"Dammit Dean shut up and eat."

 

(BREAK)

 

The boys settled in on the couch after their meal and put on the movie. Sam stretched and spread his legs, his thigh just barely pressed against Deans.

 

"Watch it gigantor," Dean mumbled, trying to press himself more firmly against the arm rest.

 

"Sorry dude, long legs," Sam shrugged.

 

They sat like that a while. Dean, glancing at Sam every so often and Sam, eyes riveted on the screen.

 

"Want a beer?" Sam asked as he stood up and stretched, stomach muscles contacting.

 

When Dean simply raised his eyebrows at him Sam explained, "I'm headed to the kitchen anyway."

 

Dean nodded and tracked his brother's movements as he disappeared into the kitchen.

 

Sam grinned, feeling Dean's eyes on his bare back. He could see the heat behind what he at one time would have thought were casual glances. He knew he was getting under Dean's skin and it was time to kick it into high gear.

 

Sam popped the cap off of a beer and headed back into the living room. While reaching out to hand the beer to Dean his foot caught on the edge of the couch and he lost his balance, spilling the beer all over Dean.

 

"Sam what the fuck!" Dean yelled, leaping up.

 

"Oh shit! Shit, sorry! Hold on," Sam yelled as he scrambled back into the kitchen and grabbed a dish towel.

 

Sam rushed back and started patting Deans Stomach and lap, trying to clean up the 'accidental' mess.

 

"Sam shit!" Dean pushes Sam back and grabs the rag out of his hands. "Shit Sam! Look I got it!" and with that Dean rushes out of the room into the bathroom, leaving Sam with a satisfied smile.

 

(BREAK)

 

Sam could barely contain his excitement as he rushed home from school. Dean was working late again and Sam couldn't reach their room fast enough. He tore into Dean's pillow case and opened the journal and…yes! A new entry!

 

Shit, SHIT I am FREAKING OUT! Sam is out there watching a movie and I am locked in the FUCKING BATHROOM like the world's biggest pussy. I came home and Sam was cooking shirtless, FREAKING SHIRTLESS, face all red from the steam, lips wet, dimples out in full force, pretty as can be. THOSE FUCKING DIMPLES! They will be the death of me I swear. Dimples paired with those huge eyes should not be allowed to exist, what sort of God would give me a brother who looked like that? But you know what? I can handle a shirtless Sam I am around a shirtless Sam every day I am an expert of shirtless Sam's! What I CANNOT handle is Sam fucking patting my fucking crotch. He wanted to watch a movie and his giant legs were all up in my space giving me a semi as it is and then he goes and spills beer on me! Fine no problem kid is a klutz not used to his own gangly limbs, but then he goes and tries to clean it up! I had to run in here to hide my hard on. Get it under control Dean, freaking relax before he knows something's up. I'll just go out there and pretend I'm pissed that he ruined my shirt or something. Even though that's so girly, it's better than telling him 'oh hey I got a hard on from you touching me, did I mention I'm pro incest? I also might be gay or just Sam-sexual who knows.' Yeah that will go over real well.

 

Sam smirks at the effect he had on his brother. His glee, however, was short lived. Dean was being way too hard on himself. He couldn't deny he had the same thoughts before discovering Dean's diary (JOURNAL!) but it was worse somehow knowing Dean was suffering. Its ok, once Dean finally cracks everything will be great.

 

Sam flipped through the journal, looking for more inspiration. Finally he settled on a page in the middle where he saw his name.

 

Stupid Sam and his stupid Latin, who knew a dead language, could sound so sexy? I already knew I had a language kink from that French chick a while back but come on, Latin? Really? It's not even really the Latin, it's the way Sam says it. For some reason his voice gets deeper, like he wants to sound more commanding practicing exorcisms. It's the way he forms the words, and how hard he concentrates on it, ugh do I have a geek boy fetish now too? What the hell is this kid doing to me? Next time dad is helping him out, I'll just say I'm not very good at it or whatever.

 

Sam smiled wickedly. Oh yeah, he could totally work with that.

 

A/N Sorry my chapters are short, I try to make up for it with frequent updates. Reviews are little golden nuggets of love!


	3. Exorcise Me

A/N Thanks for all the awesome reviews! I'm glad people seem to really be enjoying this story! It has also been brought to my attention I make the characters say 'dude' a lot, I apologize it must be something I say in real life a lot that I accidentally translated here, I'll try to be more careful!

 

 

When Dean got home that evening Sam was in the living room pouring over books, he barely Spared Dean a glance.

 

"Hey Sam-I-am!" Dean called brightly, spying his little brother deep in thought, eyes never straying from the heavy book. "What is it tonight? Math or Science?"

 

"Dean!" Sam said as if noticing his brother for the first time. "Good I need your help."

 

"Alright human anatomy," Dean grinned, rubbing his hands together. "Bring on the diagrams."

 

"No you idiot." Sam sighed, rolling his eyes. "I can't seem to get this one exorcism right."

 

Dean froze for a split second and anyone not looking for it would have missed the slight widening of those brilliant green eyes.

 

"Sorry geek boy Latin is your area not mine," Dean grinned, recovering nicely. "I'm the talent of the operation, you handle that stuff."

 

Sam rolled his eyes as Dean flopped on the couch and turned on the television, a bit louder then necessary.

 

"Exorcizamus te, uhh," Sam trailed off, seemingly talking to himself. Dean tried extremely hard to ignore the floundering boy. "Omnis, ummm…"

 

"Sam," Dean growled getting more annoyed by the minute.

 

"I got it Dean," Sam dismissed. "Immundus spiritus err…"

 

"Sam this is not funny!" Dean said angrily, switching off the television and turning to his brother.

 

"I'm not trying to be funny?"

 

"Sam this is freaking life or death, you can't stutter over an exorcism!" Dean stood up and towered over his brother. "What if I was possessed? I could have killed us both by the time it took you to stutter that pathetic verse out."

 

"Dean if I were really under attack I would pull it together," Sam rolled his eyes.

 

As Sam knew it would, his obvious dismissal of Dean's concern for his safety seemed to push him over the edge.

 

Dean grabbed Sam by the arm and pulled him up roughly.

 

"What the hell Dean," Sam shrugged him off, annoyed.

 

"Let's go Sam," Dean said, pushing him roughly. "Come on you said you would do better under pressure? Exorcise me."

 

"This is stupid Dean," Sam snapped at him, nudging his way past his brother.

 

Sam couldn't have planned Dean's reaction if he tried.

 

Dean swiftly and silently grabbed Sam around the waist and pinned him to the floor.

 

"This isn't a game Sam!" He yelled, straddling his little brother's hips.

 

"Dean-"

 

"Dead!" Dean declared, mimicking slitting Sam's throat.

 

"Dead!" Dean said again, this time pulling Sam up so he sat in Dan's lap back to Dean's chest. He mimicked swiftly breaking Sam's neck.

 

Sam rammed his elbow into Dean's ribs, catching him by surprise.

 

"Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus!" Sam kicked Dean onto the flat of his back, placing his boot on his brother's chest, holding him down.

 

"Omnis santanica potestas!"

 

Dean gripped Sam's ankle and flipped him so he fell on his back hard, giving Dean time to straddle him once again and wrap his hands around Sam's throat.

 

"Omnis…incursion…" Sam coughed. "Infernalis…adversarii…"

 

"Too slow Sammy boy," Dean hissed into his ear as he increased the pressure around his throat. Sam could feel his fingers digging into his flesh and he knew he would have bruises. "I have taken over your brother and I'm going to kill you and then I am gonna cut up this pretty little meat suit and make it bleed."

 

Sam made a noise between a yell and a whimper. Even though he knew it really was just Dean on top of him, the words made him see red and he felt the fight seep back into his body. Ignoring the burning in his throat, Sam swung his right fist wildly, making solid contact with Dean's temple.

 

"Omnis legio," he rasped, scrambling to his feet and kicking Dean in the stomach. "Omnis congregation et secta diabolica."

 

Finishing the exorcism, Sam let out a long sigh and slid to the floor, exhausted.

 

"Congratulations Sammy," Dean gasped, sitting up and wincing slightly. "You just saved my life."

 

"You asshole," Sam whispered before launching himself at his brother and hugging him tightly.

 

The boys stayed like that for a long moment. The room was tense with things unsaid as they each enjoyed the feel of the other after such a bizarre and intense turn of events.

 

"You did good Sammy," Dean smiled, pulling back and brushing Sam's dark locks back from his forehead.

 

Dean smiled at him a moment longer and Sam swore he almost leaned in before quickly getting up and heading into the bathroom.

 

(BREAK)

 

Sam stared blankly at the television. His little Latin lesson did not go the way he planned at all. What he had meant to be light teasing had turned into something much more physical and consuming. Part of him wanted to give up this little game. After that display Sam just wanted to kiss Dean until he couldn't breathe couldn't think. Sam was so close to just giving in and confessing to Dean how he felt and hoping for the best. Sam knew however, that if he confessed first he would always wonder if Dean was doing this because he was completely comfortable with it or just so he wouldn't hurt Sam's feelings.

 

Maybe Sam just needed to be more obvious, throw Dean some sort of life line. If he were in Dean's shoes it would take some major hints before he confessed anything. If Sam wasn't going to confess his feelings for Dean, maybe he could confess something else.

 

"Dean," he said softly, almost too softly to hear. Of course Dean heard him, Dean would always hear him. Dean was conditioned to respond to his voice ever since he was a baby crying for food.

 

"Yeah Sammy?"

 

"Can…can we talk?" It must have been something in his voice but Dean immediately frowned and turned off the television.

 

"Shoot little brother."

 

"Um…" Sam blushed darkly, piquing his brother's interest.

 

"What is it Sam?" When Sam didn't answer Dean pushed further. "Come on it can't be that bad"

 

Sam focused on a loose thread on the hem of his shirt. Saying this was so much harder then he thought it would be. It didn't make sense for him to be nervous, he knew Dean would love him regardless, but it was still hard to get out.

 

"Dean I'm…" Dean waited patiently for him to continue. "I think I might be…"

 

Sam started to shake. "Dean I think I might be gay."

 

The silence between the brothers was brief. Dean knew he needed to say something, to reassure Sam.

 

"Sam…are you sure?" Dean grabbed Sam's chin, "Sam look at me."

 

Sam stared up at Dean, his eyes wide and scared. Dean took a deep breath and gave his brother a little smile.

 

"Sam don't look so scared, it's not like you're telling me you want to tongue Bobby!" Dean smiled warmly when that got a reaction out of Sam.

 

"You're not…you're not grossed out?" Sam asked quietly.

 

"Well I don't suggest we throw you a coming out party to Dad Samantha but it doesn't change who you are. I'll even buy you some dresses and lady stuff!"

 

"I'm not a cross dresser Dean." Sam had returned to his normal exasperated tone.

 

"What a shame, I was already planning on giving you a Victoria's Secret pushup bra for your birthday" Dean laughed as Sam punched him in the shoulder.

 

(BREAK)

 

Sam knew there would be a new entry waiting for him to read. He had pretended to be deep asleep last night and saw Dean talk it out and scrawl in it heatedly. Dean had gotten up early for work and the moment he left Sam dashed into the pillow case, opening the journal to the latest entry and boy it was a long one:

 

I am officially reaching 13 year old girl status. I am sitting under my blankets with a freaking pen light writing in this thing. So I come home from work ready to chill with a beer and maybe some busty Asian beauties when I hear the kid tripping all over his Latin. Stupid language kink! I should have gotten out of there while I still had time. Thing was Sam was being as Bobby would say, an idgit (idgit? Idjiit? Id-jet? Whatever it's a stupid made up word). He wasn't taking it seriously; he was tripping over the words and basically doing a half ass job. I started feeling like it was my fault, I've been so worried about stabbing the kid with my hard on I haven't been stabbing him in training. He just acted like messing up the exorcism was no big deal, so I guess I found a less than PG way to get out my frustration. I sort of tackled the poor kid. I know you don't need to tell me, obviously big brother of the year award goes to Dean Winchester. 'Oh need help with your Latin Sammy? Nah I'm too horny to help, so let me just tackle you and scare the crap out of you, same thing right?' I couldn't just sit down and help him like a normal functioning person, clearly not the Winchester style! So I tackle him and bait him and then I realize he's still stammering and I'm practically humping his thigh like a bitch in heat so I start saying some nasty shit to try and get him to focus on the exorcism. It works but the kids all shaken up so he hugs me and I swear I could feel the chick flick moment building inside the kid. So instead of having a bonding moment obviously the correct thing to do is run into the shower and jack off, I am so fucked up.

 

AND THEN like this wasn't stressful enough, the kid seems determined to bring on the sappiness anyway. Sam looked really freaked out so I decided to put on my big boy pants and try to be there for the little spaz and of all the soulful things I expected him to say, Sam COMING OUT TO ME was NOT one of them. Of course because I'm a freak my first thought is 'woohoo if he likes men I'm half way there!' The kid needs me to be supportive or something and all I can do is stare at him like he's a bacon cheeseburger. Obviously after I assured him no he did not disgust me (if he only knew how high my tolerance for disgusting was) I made an insensitive joke about him being a woman because I'm just that well adjusted. I better not have to see tha kid on a date because a cute little normal girl I could stomach but if I see some man with his paws all over my baby (BROTHER my baby BROTHER jeeze I almost didn't even write that!)I will so kick his ass.

 

Dear Diary (yeah I said it) my name is Dean Winchester and I am one sick puppy.

 

Sam couldn't believe what he had just read. Dean went and jacked off after their 'training session?' Well if that wasn't the fucking hottest thing he had ever heard. Sam needed Dean to hurry the fuck up and get with the program already. If Sam really wanted to get under Dean's skin he could bring a boy home from school, but he couldn't use some poor guy like that, it was just too mean.

 

Right?


	4. Boogey Down

A/N: You guys are so amazing thank you for all of the wonderful reviews!

 

 

Sam spent a long time just staring at the computer, trying to get up the nerve to hit the search button. This was so embarrassing.

 

For what felt like the hundredth time Sam checked to make sure he was indeed alone in the room before hitting the button.

 

Immediately the screen was flooded with pornographic images of men in various sexual positions.

 

Sam felt his cheeks burning as he regarded the images with nothing more than a morbid curiosity. After forcing himself to regard the images for a while longer he came to a conclusion:

 

Sam was not gay.

 

The words had just slipped out of his mouth the other night with Dean before he even had a chance to think about them. He felt bad about the lie but if Dean thought he was gay, maybe he would be more comfortable sharing how he felt about Sam.

 

After the conversation Sam got to thinking maybe he was gay, after all he wanted to do some pretty gay things with Dean. That led him to his mortifying Google search. If the softness in his jeans was anything to go by, he was simply (how did Dean put it in the diary?) Dean-sexual.

 

This led to a trickle of guilt for lying to Dean. Lately Sam had been doing things he never normally would have, invading Dean's privacy, lying to him, but in Sam's mind it was worth it because the deception would bring them closer and ultimately get them where they both wanted so desperately to be.

 

Sam did need to draw a line somewhere however, and upon figuring out that men aside from his beautiful brother (wow Dean would kill him for that term, fine, beautiful in a totally awesome and manly way) did not do anything for him, he could not pretend to date one; it wouldn't be fair for the guy.

 

However, there were other ways to spike Dean's jealousy.

 

(BREAK)

 

Saturday was the perfect day for Sam to put his plan into action.

 

"Dean," Sam said as he hesitantly approached his brother. "I have an idea."

 

Dean turned his attention from the television and regarded his brother warily.

 

"Remember that fake ID you got me for my birthday a few months ago? Well it hasn't had much use, let's go out to the bar tonight, real brother time," Sam flashed him a winning smile, making sure to use the dimples he read were Dean's weakness.

 

"Sam I am not hauling your drunken ass home," Dean said. "That ID was for hustling pool."

 

"I won't get drunk Dean," Sam said, rolling his eyes. "I just thought it would be fun to go out and let loose a little, get out of the apartment."

 

Dean looked at Sam suspiciously before folding under those hazel orbs.

 

"Fine," he sighed. "Are we going to the usual place?"

 

"I know a place," Sam smiled.

 

(BREAK)

 

"No, no way, absolutely not," Dean said when he saw where Sam told him to stop.

 

"Dean come on," Sam begged, trying his best to put on his puppy dog eyes or whatever it was Dean called them.

 

"Sam there is no way I am going inside a place called 'Glory's Hole'."

 

"Dean you said you'd be supportive," Sam reminded him, getting out of the impala.

 

"Sam it's a gay bar," Dean hissed, getting out of the car as well.

 

Sam did his best to look wounded and forlorn. He felt a twinge of his earlier guilt as he used his lie to guilt Dean into going inside with him but he knew it would be worth it.

 

"Please Dean? I don't want to go alone." Sam almost made his lip quiver but he thought that might be over kill.

 

Dean gazed at his little brother for a moment, debating. Sam was confident he was going to win this battle of wills, he had even gone out of his way to look as good as he could tonight, wearing black jeans and an army print t-shirt that had shrunk a size too small in the wash, showing off his growing physique.

 

After a moment Dean let out a deep pained sigh and rubbed his hand across the back of his neck.

 

"Fine Sammy, but I swear if any of these guys tries anything you are gonna have to bail my ass out of jail!"

 

Sam flashed him a dimpled grin and dragged him inside. Dean immediately headed to the bar and grabbed a seat, Sam following closely behind.

 

"Whiskey," he grunted, not making eye contact with any of the patrons.

 

"Are you sure sweetheart?" The blonde behind the bar clad in a fishnet top asked. "We have a special tonight on purple nurples."

 

"Do I look like the type of guy that would ever drink something called a purple nurple?" Dean snapped.

 

"Whiskey for the macho man, got it."

 

Sam took a look around the room. There were no half naked men dancing in cages like he expected but the place definitely wasn't like the dives they usually frequented. There was dark sultry music playing as sweaty bodies grinded on the cramped dance floor. The patrons ranged in age and in style, some wearing jeans and a shirt and some wearing full on leather chaps. The place wasn't full of techno and glitter instead the lighting was dark and there were more than a few stripper poles, the place almost had a bondage club feel to it, dangerous and sexy.

 

Dean was turning quite a few heads but Sam wasn't without his own appreciative glances.

 

"Dean I am going to have a look around," Sam yelled into his ear over the music.

 

"Stay where I can see you! Dean barked as Sam started to mingle in the crowd. Sam heard what he recognized to be the song 'closer' by Nine Inch Nails come on and he decided it was time to put his little plan into action.

 

Sam stood by the dance floor, attempting to look coy as he surveyed the room from under his dark bangs. Within a few moments he was approached by a tall blonde appearing to be in his late twenties.

 

"Want to dance sweetheart?" The man asked, already pulling Sam's hips flush against his own.

 

Sam nodded and allowed himself to be pulled onto the floor. Sam wasn't gay and couldn't bring himself to start dating some poor guy but one dance? Yeah, that he could do, he could do it real well.

 

He saw Dean's eyes lock onto him and the handsome stranger as Sam turned around and leaned his back against the slightly taller man's chest. He could feel the man's groin push against his ass as Sam reached up and wound an arm around the man's neck sensually.

 

Sam got about thirty seconds of dancing in before Dean charged over to break up his little brother's wanton display.

 

"Hey man!" The blonde protested as Dean ripped the two apart.

 

"Get the fuck out of my face before I break your god damn nose," Dean growled. The man walked away muttering something about jealous boyfriends.

 

"Dean what the Hell!" Sam protested.

 

"Sam that guy was like ten years older than you!" Dean yelled over the music.

 

"I just wanted to dance!"

 

"Not with that guy!"

 

The two brothers glared at each other before Sam's turned into a smirk.

 

"Fine, if no one in here so good enough for me to dance with than you will have to."

 

Dean gaped at his brother.

 

"I don't dance."

 

"CAN'T dance," Sam countered.

 

"WON'T dance," Dean looked like he was ready to explode on his brother.

 

"Come on De," Sam teased, using his childhood nickname for his brother.

 

Quick as lightening Dean grabbed Sam by the hips and pulled his brother against him, spreading his legs so one of Sam's could go between his in a submissive pose. The brothers stared at each other for a moment, each waiting for the other to begin moving. When neither did Dean let Sam go.

 

"This is stupid," he muttered, clearly embarrassed. "Get in the car Sam."

 

"Dean-

 

"GET IN THE GOD DAMN CAR SAM."

 

Neither brother said anything on the ride home or before going to sleep. Sam knew Dean wasn't mad, just uncomfortable with what had transpired and in true Winchester fashion, when embarrassed or uncomfortable, it's best to lash out irrationally.

 

(BREAK)

 

Sam didn't have to wait long for the newest journal entry. By the way the words were hastily scrawled Sam could tell it was written sometime soon after they got home.

 

Ok I have a few things I need to confess. First off, I Dean Winchester entered a gay bar. I want to point out that I WAS FORCED I was under duress or whatever. Sam tricked me into driving there and then he gave me the eyes and accused me of not being supportive of his choices and blah blah. It didn't hurt that he looked freaking gorgeous I mean seriously he was the second best looking one there (obviously I am the first; seriously, I am apparently a big hit with the gay community). Then Sam decides to dance with some douche bag and holy mother of Satan can that kid dance! I don't know where it learned it from, I didn't even know Sammy could dance! Let alone have a freaking sex orgy on the dance floor! It was like I went out of my body or something, one minute I'm watching Sam dance the next minute I'm right next to him pulling him away from the blonde idiot. Then I guess Sam wanted to fuck with me because he asked me to dance with him and I almost did, like I pulled him against me, kid could probably feel my hard on. It had to be a move for blackmail or something because he didn't start to dance. If he wanted to he would have moved right…RIGHT…damn what good are you, you can't even answer back! Of course I yelled at him, I always have to yell at him. Now things are weird and I don't know what to do. I just ignore it right? Wake up make him breakfast and pretend we never almost danced in a gay bar together right? Fuck this I'm getting a beer.

 

Sam was glad he got to his brother but Dean seemed really stressed out. Sam knows this is for the best, the pain and drama will be worth it.

 

Right?

 

 

A/N: So I would like to inform you that I listened to the song Sam danced to the entire time while writing this and even danced myself (ahh the creative process)

 

I don't have time to proofread I want to get this up before the end of the night and I am crunched for time, sorry for mistakes!


	5. Pantsless Heathen

A/N: Thanks to everyone for all the amazing reviews! I realize that the last journal entry was a bit short so I hope you guys enjoy the little bit in the beginning of this chapter!

 

I had a couple good suggestions but I would like to thank Succorbenoth for the idea being used in this chapter!

 

I know you all want Sam and Dean to just get together already but I am having way too much fun for that to happen right now!

 

Sam needed a new plan. He had given Dean a few days of non torture (the guy deserved a bit of a break after being forced into a gay club) but now he needed to get back on course.

 

The thing was, Sam was not an expert at the art of seduction. If it wasn't for the fact that Dean seemed to use a majority of his journal to just complain about sexy things Sam did he wouldn't even know what to do to get under his brother's skin. That being said, Sam decided it was high time he yet again consult what was basically the step by step guide to getting Dean off: his journal.

 

Flipping through, Sam was about to skip right past the entry written right after the gay bar incident when he noticed a slight change. The entry remained untouched but underneath Dean had drawn a star and added a final note:

 

To any persons that may be reading this sometime in the future for the purposes of gathering information on me when making the very awesome movie of my life I would once again like to note that I did NOT know I was being led into a gay bar and I did NOT dance. Nor did I partake in any fruity drinks despite some disgusting concoction called a 'purple nurple' being offered to me. Also, this movie better have some kick ass explosions. I'm talking high quality Dean Winchester doesn't do low budget productions. Also let's leave the stuff about me being in love with my brother out of the movie we wanna make it PG 13, something cool but so the kids can still enjoy, maybe make me have a smoking hot blonde co-star. Also don't forget the impala!

 

Sam rolled his eyes but couldn't suppress a grin at his brother's antics. Even in his journal he still acts like a giant kid. Flipping through he stopped at another entry more towards the beginning of the journal:

 

Do you think it would be weird if while Dad was gone I slept in his room? (Actually what's weird is the fact that I asked you if something was weird…and that I'm referring to you as a 'you'…and I'm still doing it). It's just, I'm afraid now that Sam is starting to grow up things get a little weird. Sam isn't the most sexual person I mean let's be honest I was rubbing one out nightly by the time I was twelve, but as a guy he still has needs. What if I was in on him tugging on lil sailor Sammy? The sound's I picture Sam making are already hot enough, I don't need to know what he ACTUALLY sounds like, I might have a heart attack. Sammy would think it was weird if I slept in a different room than him and besides I can't keep an eye on him if I'm far away so even though it sucks I have to stay. What's that quote from Shakespeare? Tis a far far better thing I do…something something. I don't know the guy is old no one talks like that I bet even he didn't talk like that. I wonder if Sam likes Shakespeare, he seems like a poetry type of guy (Shakespeare wrote poetry right?).

 

Sam learned two things from reading that journal entry. First of all, he's pretty sure Dean has some form of ADD, if that is the way his mind works no wonder he doesn't like to spend a lot of time in his own head, the rate subject change is exhausting! Second of all, he knew his next plan of attack.

 

(BREAK)

 

Sam heard the key in the lock of the front door and he knew it was time to start. He had been prepping himself for a while, making sure he was good and hard by the time Dean got home. What were once slow and lazy strokes became fast and hard upon hearing Dean enter the apartment.

 

"Sammy," Dean called from the living room.

 

The voice spurred Sam on and although this started out as another rouse, the moment he heard Dean his cock went from hard to painful.

 

Dean froze at the first soft moan. It sounded like Sam was in pain. Panic seized him as he burst into their bedroom unprepared for what he saw.

 

Sam lay across the bed completely naked, cock tight in his grasp. There was no outside stimuli, no porn or magazines, Sam appeared to have all the material he needed right in his head. Dean knew he should rush out of the room he instead he gazed transfixed at the sight before him. A recent growth spurt made Sam a good few inches taller than Dean and while he grew he gained no more weight creating a lean body that had been toned with training. Sam was moaning obscenely, seeming to have not heard his entrance.

 

"Sam," Dean said, cringing at the way his voice sounder a whole octave higher than usual.

 

"Dean!" Sam yelled, feigning surprise at the interruption. Sam quickly covered himself with a sheet, the action causing Dean to jump and quickly sprint out of the room.

 

"Shit shit!" Sam yelled for emphasis, really trying to make believe he had been caught unawares as he hurriedly tugged on some boxers.

 

"Sam I'm going out to get us some food!" Dean called as he rushed to the door.

 

"Dean wait, please," Sam begged, running into the room in nothing but his underwear.

 

"Dude pants!" Dean groaned, trying his best to look away.

 

"Dean I thought you were coming home at six not five-thirty," Sam tried to explain, ignoring Dean's comment.

 

"You're right, totally my fault for coming home at the time I normally do, so Chinese tonight?"

 

Dean turned quickly, shielding himself from Sam.

 

"Dean let's talk about this."

 

"No! No talking," Dean said quickly, not turning around. "I am going to get some food and you are going to put on some pants you…pantsless heathen!"

 

With that Dean rushed out the door, leaving Sam to dissolve into a fit of giggles in his wake.

 

(BREAK)

 

Dean left before Sam even woke up the next morning, probably trying to further avoid the conversation Sam had been trying to have with him all night long. The conversation was mostly for show however, because Sam knew he would get to find out everything he needed to from his magic little book:

 

Something happened to me last night that has not happened to me since I was 14 ok 16 I admit it 16. I don't even know if I can write it. I sort of…I…I came in my pants.

 

STOP JUDGING ME! You would have too if you saw what I saw…and if you had pants…I came home and heard Sam groan and I thought he was hurt or something so I bull rushed right in and…he was jerking off. He wasn't even doing it through the slit in his boxers like a normal person he was totally buck naked spread on his bed like a porn star all tan skin and hard pecs moaning like a bitch in heat…damn I'm hard again. Then again this is Sam we are talking about so I guess being fully naked isn't so weird, hell I should feel lucky I didn't want in on him with some scented candles and some Barry White. Obviously I ran, but not before staring at him for a full minute like the worlds biggest creep. I may as well have been wearing a t-shirt that said "professional voyeur at your service". The sight of it, his dick in hand, precome leaking out, lips parted and eyes squeezed shut, it was way too much. My body freaking rebelled I mean it was an all out mutiny.

 

Of course Sam wanted to talk all about it. Ignoring this situation is for once not just a Winchester thing, ANY guy would want to ignore this situation (clearly supporting my claim Sam is in fact a woman…although then she is trapped in a body that is all man). While he was rambling he said something sort of weird and it made me think. Now go with me on this because I know it is just the insane ramblings of a desperate man but he said he didn't think I would be home until six. I am never home at six, that happened like once and I told him about it ahead of time. It was almost as if (and I know this is nuts even before I write it) but it was almost like he wanted me to walk in on that. Yup see I knew it as I wrote it, stupid thought, no way. Right? Right.

 

Sam's face broke out into a full grin. Dean was starting to get it! This was the first time since he started the game that Dean had begun to suspect Sam might feel the same way as him. Now all he needed was the perfect next move.


	6. Drunkity Drunk Drunk

  
Author's notes: When I posted this on another site this chapter got some bad feedback I'm sorry if you guys don't like it :(  


* * *

Sam needed to step up his game. This was taking too long in his opinion and he needed an ace in the hole. He didn't even need Dean's diary for this next idea; it was so obvious he couldn't believe he didn't think of it earlier.

 

That weekend Sam saw his opportunity arise. Dean was outside working on the impala, sweating profusely in the sun. Sam grabbed a cold beer and brought it to his brother who guzzled it gratefully.

 

"Hit the spot Sammy," Dean sighed handing the empty bottle back to Sam.

 

"So what are you doing?" Sam asked, causing Dean to look at him with raised eyebrows.

 

"Working on the car dumbass," Dean said rolling his eyes.

 

"I know that you jerk," Sam said giving Dean a playful push. "I was just wondering exactly what you were doing to it."

 

"Sammy do you want me to talk car to you?" Dean grinned wiggling his eyebrows, "Kinky, you know what that does to me."

 

Sam laughed and leaned closer to Dean to peer under the hood of the car, shoulders almost touching.

 

Dean raised an eyebrow but handed off the wrench to Sam, instructing him where to tighten.

 

"You gotta go easy on her Sammy," Dean instructed. "You have to treat her like a lover, gently, tenderly." Dean stroked the side of the impala lovingly.

 

"Shut up Dean," Sam grumbled. "Damn it's so freaking hot out here." Sam pulled off his t-shirt slowly, feeling Dean's eyes on the muscles in his stomach as they contracted with the movement.

 

"If you're too hot you can go inside Sammy," Dean mumbled, eyes falling to the ground.

 

"Nah I need some tutoring in car sex," Sam smiled. Dean jumped and looked at Sam with wide eyes.

 

"The car Dean, you said to treat it like a lover," Sam explained. "So…car sex…it was a joke."

 

"Right I knew that, it was just such a stupid joke," Dean rolled his eyes.

 

Sam briefly stuck his tongue out at his brother, causing another eye roll. Sam went back to work on the car, pausing briefly to wipe the sweat out of his eyes.

 

Dean snorted, attempting to hold in laughter.

 

"What?" Sam frowned, turning to look at Dean.

 

"You um have a little grease," Dean laughed.

 

Sam reached up to wipe the grease off his forehead but only succeeded in smearing it around causing Dean to laugh harder.

 

"You're useless," he said with a shake of his head.

 

Dean reached up wiped the grease away, eyes still crinkled with his smile. Sam gazed back intently, hazel eyes meeting jade. Dean's smile slowly slipped away as he felt the air around them change. His hand slowly trailed from Sam's forehead down his cheek, moving as if in a trance. Sam leaned into the caress, trying to give Dean encouragement, trying to convey he wanted this.

 

Sam couldn't breathe; his heart was beating rapidly in his chest. He resisted the urge to move forward those few inches and close the distance between them. Dean needed to do this; he needed to want this enough to take the plunge.

 

"Sammy," Dean whispered, his eyes searching Sam's. Slowly, achingly slowly, Dean leaned forward and brushed his lips against Sam's, the barest hint of a kiss.

 

Sam responded eagerly, winding his arms around Dean's neck and putting more pressure into the kiss. Dean hesitantly placed his arms on Sam's hips, a light touch.

 

Things were going well, until Sam ran his tongue across Dean's lips, begging entrance.

 

Dean jerked away as if he'd been burned.

 

"Dean," Sam stared, knowing the look of panic in his brother's eyes well.

 

"No no no," Dean said with horrified panic in his voice.

 

"Dean stop!" Sam yelled as his brother turned and fled into the apartment.

 

Sam ran after him, needing to make his brother understand this was ok, but he knew when Dean was in panic mode it was impossible to stop him from fleeing.

 

Dean brushed past Sam without a second glance, his back pack in tow. Sam stared in shock for a minute, thinking Dean had packed up and left, but when he went into the room he only saw one of Dean's items missing: the journal.

 

(BREAK)

 

Sam didn't sleep well that night. He wasn't used to sleeping without Dean's comforting presence in the next bed.

 

Dean came back early that morning. He didn't say a word to Sam as he passed him in the kitchen; he just went to their room and locked the door.

 

Sam sighed and went to the door and knocked.

 

"Dean come on we need to talk."

 

"I'm going to the store," Dean said as he walked out of the room, not making eye contact with Sam.

 

"Dean please," Sam begged.

 

"I'll be home in an hour," Dean continued.

 

Without another word Dean left as quickly as he came.

 

Sam sighed and made his way to their room, hoping he would find the journal. He sighed in relief this time as he found it in his usual hiding space. He was excited and nervous to see what dean had written but he needed to know.

 

I am drunkidy drunk drunk! I was at a bar and they had whiskey and now I am drunk. No I take it back, I am drunker than drunk I am intocicated intoxocatd intoxicated! I kissed my brother I kissed little Sammy. It was amazing like apple pie NO cherry pie! Like fresh baked it was amamzing. I can't believe I did that and the worst part is he kissed me back. How much did I fuk him up that he wanted to kiss me back. When did this happen? What did I do to fuck him up so bad? He was the good one! He's sooooo smart and sweet and kind and everything. He isn't supposed to be a freak like me he is supposed to get a wife and 2.5 kids (how does that work?) and have a stupid dog named something stupid like Sadie and be perfect he can't love me he can't specially after what I did tonight. I thought if I got with a dude who looked like him it would go away he even had tupid floppy hair why didn't it fix this why why why. Ok the kiss never happened he didn't respond his tongue was not silky smooth against my mouth fuk fuk. I am such a douche bag pervert this is stopping now.

 

Sam put down the journal, hands shaking. Tears and pain filled his hazel eyes. Dean was with another man? Fucking stupid bimbos was one thing but a man? After they kissed?

 

Sam felt his heart break for what Dean did. He was so mad at Dean and at the same time all he wanted to do is kiss all his doubts away. He knew Dean would feel guilty, blame himself, but he didn't know it would be this bad.

 

A/N Sorry more angst and no comedy it needed to happen sometime people lol


	7. In The Closet

Sam didn't even have that few moments between waking and sleeping the next morning to feel some peace, it was like his heart remembered the hurt before his mind remembered what had happened.

 

Sam sighed as he slowly got out of bed. It was Sunday. The garage was closed, Dean was usually home. Since settling in this town it was deemed that Sundays belonged to the brothers. Sam always made sure to finish his homework Saturday night so Sunday they could spend the entire day just hanging out. He had no idea what to expect this Sunday, but if he knew Dean he could guess it would be forced normalcy.

 

He was not disappointed. Dean greeted Sam with a fake cheery smile, ignoring the sadness in his little brother's eyes.

 

"Hey Sammy I did a grocery run, got you some Lucky Charms," Dean babbled. "I have a few more errands to run today so I won't be around, what are you going to do?"

 

Sam was silent for a moment. He saw the challenge in Dean's eyes, he knew that if he tried to bring up what happened Dean would run and probably not talk to him again for a week. Sam hated this stupid fake act but at least it was something he could work with.

 

"I think I might go to the pool," Sam said casually.

 

Dean's eyes narrowed at the innocent look on Sam's face.

 

"We don't have a pool," he said.

 

"Obviously," Sam said, rolling his eyes. "I meant I would go to the community pool in town."

 

"If you think I am letting you go to the community pool alone you are out of your mind string bean," Dean snorted.

 

"Well I am going," Sam stated. "Whether I go alone or not is entirely up to you."

 

Sam smirked to himself as he left his brother gaping at him. Sam knew Dean's protectiveness would eventually overpower his desire to avoid Sam.

 

Sam's prediction proved to be correct a half hour later when he emerged in his swim suit to find Dean waiting for him, keys to the impala swinging in his hand.

 

They drove to the pool in silence which was just fine with Sam; he didn't need fake small talk. When they arrived Dean immediately took residence on one of the pool chairs, looking ridiculous in long jeans and a black shirt.

 

A group of bottle blondes in bikinis giggled as Dean smirked at them from behind his sunglasses. It didn't bother Sam; he knew they had nothing on him.

 

Sam sauntered over to the deep end (earning a few appreciative glances of his own) and stretched lazily. His eyes flickered over to Dean who he knew (despite his sun glasses) was watching him intently. Sam was a hunter; he was trained to know when he was being watched regardless if he could see the creature's eyes.

 

It was unusual for Sam to feel so comfortable with his body but the kiss from Dean had done wonders for his self esteem. Dean was the one he focused on as he dove into the deep end gracefully (ignoring the no diving sign because really who cares). When he resurfaced he could still feel Dean's eyes burning into him but he chose to ignore it in favor of putting on a show.

 

Sam swam around for a bit, doing laps, handstands, and basically anything else to entertain himself. He even managed to talk to a group of guys around his age for a bit, earning a biting glare from Dean.

 

"Sam," Dean barked from the side of the pool. "Get your ass up we're leaving."

 

Sam waved goodbye to his companions and took the towel Dean handed him.

 

"Damn you're gonna get my baby all wet," Dean grumbled. "You're stupid hair is going to drip all over the seats."

 

"Relax Dean I'll grab a dry towel and clean it up when we get back home." Sam smiled to himself as they took off; noticing the frequent glances Dean sent him.

 

"At least put your stupid shirt back on," Dean muttered. "You know…to try and stop the…wetness."

 

If Sam didn't know his cool and in control older brother better he would have sworn Dean's cheeks turned a little pink.

 

Despite Sam's offer Dean was the one who headed straight for the small walk in linen closet to grab a towel for his car. The unfortunate part was the only towel left was on the top shelf all the way in the back, just out of Dean's reach. Dean was no slouch but Sam's recent growth spurt had made him a little self conscious about his height so there was NO WAY he was going to ask his BABY brother to help him grab a freaking towel.

 

Just as he was figuring out the right angle to jump at Sam walked by and started to laugh at Dean's predicament.

 

"Sam," Dean growled in warning as Sam came up behind him to help.

 

"Dean relax it's just a towel let me get it."

 

"No!" Dean said stubbornly as he elbowed Sam back out of the closet.

 

"Dean you are being a child," Sam rolled his eyes as he forced his way back into the closet.

 

This happened a few more times, Sam inching in and Dean pushing him back out. Sam would be happy they could at least bicker like brothers still if Dean wasn't being so annoying! Finally the next time Sam pushed Dean in he closed the door behind them both so he wouldn't be able to be pushed back out.

 

"SAM NO!" Dean bellowed, practically diving to stop the door before it clicked shut.

 

"All this over a freaking towel," Sam muttered, reaching above Dean's head to snag the damn thing before turning to get out.

 

"Sam this door locks automatically when shut you moron," Dean growled at him. "It was one of the first things we did remember? So if anything happens we can trap something in here!"

 

Sam stared in shock as Dean shoved past him and started to ram into the door. There was very little room to do that however. The closet could barely contain the two of them comfortably and certainly not without them slightly pressed together. Dean just didn't have the room to get a lot of power behind his strikes to the door.

 

As Dean continued to uselessly ram the door Sam took his phone out of his pocket.

 

"What are you doing?" Dean demanded, eyeing the phone.

 

"I'm calling Bobby to come let us out, he can be here in about four hours."

 

(BREAK)

 

The first hour was spent in silence. Well, Sam was silent, Dean was fuming. The two had finally managed to find a position where they could both sit but it included Sam half in Dean's lap much too both brother's dismay. Dean ignored all of Sam's attempts at conversation in favor of flinging useless insults at his younger brother's idiocy.

 

Halfway through the second hour Dean seemed to calm down a little bit. His breathing was regular and he seemed less tense. He stopped making idle threats to Sam and had appeared to accept their fate. He even started engaging Sam in conversation (ok he started quizzing Sam on weapons training but it was better than being called a spastic moose).

 

It was a little into the third hour that Sam made his move. Come on they were literally locked in a small closet together, there would be no better opportunity. He started by fidgeting a little, making it seem like he was uncomfortable (which wasn't far from the truth, it WAS a really small closet). He stretched his arms and his back, twisting a little bit to crack his neck. When he turned he made sure to sigh right by Dean's ear, blowing a warm puff of air onto the sensitive skin.

 

He felt more than Saw Dean's shudder and was encouraged to continue.

 

"Dean are you cramping?" He asked, moving slightly, making sure to run his ass over Dean's lap. "We could switch positions if you are uncomfortable."

 

"M'fine Sam," Dean almost squeaked, closing his eyes tightly.

 

Sam shifted some more so he was facing Dean, almost straddling his poor brother.

 

"I want to talk about it Dean," he whispered, giving him pleading eyes.

 

"Enough with the puppy dog Sam ain't nothing to talk about," Dean muttered, turning his head as far away from Sam as he could, which wasn't really all that far.

 

"Dean don't run," Sam said sadly, using a finger to gently turn Dean back to look at him.

 

"Can't run Sam you locked us in," Dean muttered, eyes on the ground.

 

"You know what I mean Dean; don't run from this…from me."

 

The break in Sam's voice as he said 'me' is what caused Dean to finally meet his eyes.

 

"Listen to me kiddo," Dean said as he planted his hands on either side of Sam's face. "No matter what ever happens between us, I will NEVER run from you."

 

"But you are!" Sam exploded, wrenching Dean's hands off his face. "We kissed! It happened! Until you deal with that we can't be us. This fake normal you got going on isn't us Dean!"

 

"Sammy it has to be this way," Dean sighed, running a hand through his short blonde spikes. "You are the one thing I've ever done right in my life. You're all I know."

 

"You want this," Sam accused.

 

"It doesn't matter what I want!" Dean turned to face him, some emotion Sam couldn't identify hidden in his green eyes. "I'm fucked up. I have always been fucked up and I will always be fucked up. I am either going to be gunned down by something nasty or have heart failure from bacon cheeseburgers that's my life. But you Sam, you're more than any of this."

 

"Dean," Sam whispered. He was so taken back by how candid Dean was being and he didn't want it to end but he needed to know, needed to ask. "Don't you love me?"

 

Dean stared at Sam for half a second before something broke in his eyes. With a groan he lunged foreword and captured Sam's lips in a heated kiss.

 

"Yes Sammy, yes I love you, how can you even ask me that?"

 

Before Sam could respond Dean was kissing him again. Sam tried to keep it chaste, fearing Dean would freak out if he tried to use his tongue again but it turns out he didn't need to worry. Dean plunged his tongue into Sam's mouth, mapping out every corner.

 

Sam had lost control and it felt amazing. At this point he was hanging on while Dean kissed the life out of him, hands balled up in Dean's shirt. Dean kept one hand around his waist and brought another to slide through Sam's chocolate locks. They stayed like this for a minute or maybe a year, neither could really tell and would have continued if they didn't hear a lock opening the front door.

 

"Bobby," Dean whispered, pulling back slightly.

 

"Hey," Sam cupped Dean's face and forced him to focus on him for another minute. "Stay with me. We can hide in front of Bobby but don't run later, don't leave me alone."

 

Dean sighed and nodded before calling out their location to the gruff hunter.

 

(BREAK)

 

Sam was more nervous than usual when he found Dean's diary. Bobby decided to spend the night and Dean was still with him drinking a beer. Sam knew Dean must have updated because he took a suspiciously long shower earlier (well he either updated or he…no way he wasn't going to go there now, Dean jacking off in the shower was too good an image, one he would save for later).

 

Well ignoring it didn't seem to work too well. Got trapped in a closet with my stupid moose of a brother today. Seriously who gets stuck in a closet with the guy they are trying not to think about what am I secretly in a porno? I mean I would make a great porn star I'm sure I look great on camera but come on this is real life! Things like that aren't supposed to happen. Ghosts and demons fine, but random closet trappings with hot seventeen year olds is out of my league. Obviously we ended up making out because my little hunter obviously controls all my bodily functions jeeze. Well I mean what the hell was I supposed to do, he had the wide tearful eyes the quivering lip and he asked if I loved him. You may just be a book but you would have done the same exact thing, god the kid has enough innocence and sex appeal to turn on a loaf of bread! It's obvious Sam wants this, and the kid isn't like fourteen anymore, by seventeen I was fucking everything that had a hole. Sam asked me not to run from this, it really seems to make him happy. I want more for him though and I can't be more. Well maybe I can try; maybe I can…take him on a date? WOW I think I just grew a vagina. How the hell do you take your little brother on a date? Maybe I'll just go pick up 'incest for dummies' at the library along with 'how to romance your brother'. I'm an idiot…but its Sammy…I have to try.

 

A/N: Ok less angst but it ain't over yet people! Review!


	8. Gift From Hell

  
Author's notes: People also had some issues with this chapter I'm sorry I can't please everyone :(  


* * *

Sam was not happy. He had always had such a crush on Dean and yes in his girly brain he had all these daydreams of what it would be like to go on a date with the handsome Dean Winchester. At first he really liked it. Dean was so sweet he actually dressed up! (Well he wore one of Sam's button downs but that was a big accomplishment) He knocked on Sam's bedroom door holding a single rose and while Sam did feel weird since he was not in fact actually a girl, he smiled shyly and encouraged Dean to keep going.

 

They went to a movie theater three towns over where no one knew them and Dean even held his hand during the film, it was the perfect date. It was actually a little too much the perfect date.

 

They got back home a little later, around eleven and Dean insisted Sam get to bed since it was a school night. He walked him to their bedroom door, gave him a gentle kiss goodnight, and told him he would see him in the morning.

 

At first Sam thought Dean had a secret romantic side which was adorable…until he realized that all of this was just a more creative way to stall.

 

They got ice cream, they held hands (three towns over of course so no one would see them) they even went to a freaking carnival where Dean had to rescue him from a very embarrassing clown incident. Dean said no clowns they thought he said bring all the clowns it got very messy.

 

At the end of each of these dates he got a kiss goodnight, maybe a few minutes of making out if he was lucky, but that was it. That sneaky bastard was using romance to distract Sam from getting too physical, well that was going to end tonight. First he needed some inspiration. Dean was at work then grabbing groceries for their dinner together, Sam had some time.

 

He grabbed the journal (oh who was he kidding it was so a diary) and opened it to one of the more recent passages:

 

Turns out there actually was a book on romancing someone, I got it when Sam was in the library and I pretended to go look for historical porn. So I had to skip the chapter on the proper way to greet their parents because come on, which so is never going to happen. Even if I die bloody I'll be happy as a clam knowing John Winchester has no idea what went on in that closet. Alright look I know what Sammy expects, flowers, hand holding, cuddling in a dark theater and you know what? The kid deserves that. I love so I think I can suck it up, put on my silk thong, and go to homo town for a while. But the boy also deserves other stuff and I'm not sure I can do it. He's probably still a virgin for crying out loud and no one's first or last sexual experience should ever be with Dean Winchester. I want him so badly I mean come on he's taller than me and he isn't even done growing! The kid could probably be the next Derek Zoolander or some shit if he lived a different life. He is surrounded by so much darkness I can't taint him like that, but I can show him how much I love him.

 

Sam swallowed thickly. His brother may be the biggest idiot, but his intentions were so sweet. The sweetness however did not negate the fact that he was a giant dumbass. It always felt like with Dean it was one step forward then two leaps back. He agreed there was a romantic connection between them but was trying to distract him from the physical which for all intents and purposes, set him right back to square one.

 

Enough was enough, he was seducing Dean tonight, time for some more inspiration.

 

Who the fuck gives a pull up bar as a Christmas present. This stupid piece of scrap metal was sent from that fucking yellow eyes demon himself I swear to god! The piece of filth's plan is to destroy each member of this family one by one in horrifying ways and not it's my turn to face his wrath…with that chin up bar. More specifically, with Sam on that chin up bar. Look at him in the middle of our room going up and down and up and down, muscles flexing and fluttering. And he acts so damn naive about it 'oh Dean am I bothering you?' OF COURSE YOU'RE BOTHERING ME, I'M TRYING TO READ A SKIN MAG AND YOU ARE MAKING ALL THE BREASTS LOOK GROSS AND SAGGY WITH YOUR PERFECT PECS GOD DAMMIT. I'm forgetting to pack that thing when we move I swear.

 

Wow the chin up bar. Sam hadn't thought of that in so long. True to his word Sam could not find it in the impala after they left town but Dean insisted he was just an idiot and was so concerned with his books he must have forgotten the damn thing. Fuck him, he loved that thing, it was getting him super toned. Well, Sam felt like it was time he worked on his Pecs.

 

(BREAK)

 

Sam heard the door open along with Dean's shout for him to get his ass up and help with the groceries. Hiding a grin, Sam began to get into position.

 

"Sorry Dean I can't I'm busy!" He yelled as he started to work up a sweat (hey it had been a while since any pull ups don't judge).

 

"Excuse me?" Dean said as he burst through the door. "I'm about to slave my butt off playing good little wifely and your too busy to….Samuel what is that thing?"

 

"Samuel?" Sam raised an eyebrow and grinned as he did another slow release of the bar, giving each muscle time to relax properly

 

"What the hell is that Sam?"

 

"It's a pull up bar like the one Dad gave me for Christmas last year," Sam grinned innocently. "Remember we couldn't find it? Well I went out into town today and got a new one since I used to get such a good workout."

 

Dean's face burned bright red as he tried to look anywhere but at the rippling muscle mass before him.

 

"Sam that thing looks rickety as hell; get off it before you hurt yourself!"

 

"Dean if you are so worried about me falling why don't you come over here and spot me, maybe massage my sore areas?" Sam grinned wickedly and he swore he could see Dean's pants constricting.

 

"Spot you?" Dean asked the crack in his voice barely noticeable.

 

"Yeah you know, watch me do my reps, help with the aftercare, my left pec is really-

 

"Sorry Sam can't we eat in fifteen buddy!" Dean shouted, exiting the room like it was on fire.

 

Sam grinned to himself cheekily, oh yes, tonight was the night he broke Dean completely.


	9. Some Like It Rough

Sam took a deep breath. The pull ups had helped but he had about five minutes until Dean called him for dinner and if what he wanted was going to happen tonight he needed some serious insight into the world of Dean. 

 

Sam frowned as he started to flip through the journal. On some level he knew what he had been doing with Dean’s journal was wrong and that other people managed to get their man without an insider’s guide but come on, most people aren’t as stubborn as Dean Winchester! 

There were a few entries that didn’t have much to do with Sam, but still Sam read them eagerly because it was a rare unguarded look into his brother’s ADD riddled mind:

 

Oh man Sammy and I got to watch dad take down a werewolf today! It was so fucking cool all claws and snarling and then dad put a bullet in its heart and it was all like GRRRAHHHOOOOHHHH and its claws and fangs went away and it was just some naked dude again I mean come on human by day and beast by night how epic is that? If they weren’t monsters I would totally get a beer with a werewolf but I’ll settle exploding their hearts I mean you should have seen it the thing went DOWN! I totally dig full moons, chicks get horny and the best baddies get out.

 

Sam rolled his eyes but smiled at his brother’s excitement which was palpable even in print. He remembered that night; Dean had so much fun which was unusual since he tended to get quite serious when on a hunt. Sam flipped through a few more entries until a more serious one caught his eye:

 

Sam went to some school dance tonight. I helped him get ready even let him borrow some of my after shave when he insisted on shaving the three hairs he has on his baby face. He is taking some girl in one of his classes named kelli. Note the spelling journal, Kelli with an ‘I’. Girls with ‘I’ at the end of their names are slutty, it’s a fact, its science. He looked so nervous but damn the kid cleans up nice. I bet he’s gonna be a perfect gentlemen on this date, not even try for some boob action. This is one of the millions of reasons Sam and I could never work, he’s too gentle and I don’t deserve someone like that. The kid would be perfect for some girl next door type but I’m too dark for all that shit.

 

Hmm too gentle? Sam didn’t have much time to ponder that because Dean was calling him for dinner. After scrambling to put away the journal Sam walked into the kitchen and his eyes softened when he saw Dean had legitimately cooked them steak, he even put out some candles. 

 

“Trying to woo me Dean Winchester?” Sam smirked as he walked over to Dean and kissed him on the mouth.

 

“Always Sammy,” Dean smirked back, cutting off the kiss before Sam had a chance to deepen it. 

 

They sit side by side as they eat and Dean even holds his hand when he’s not digging into his steak like it’s the second coming. Yes Dean had the romance part down which was actually quite surprising to Sam given Dean’s history. It seems that Dean thinks if he is the perfect ‘boyfriend’ Sam won’t notice they’ve barely even made out…well Sam has noticed. 

 

“No more working out tonight Sammy I know you have that essay to write,” Dean says as he begins to pile the dishes in the sink. 

 

“So bossy,” Sam mutters as he makes his way over to the sink and wraps his arms around Dean from behind.

 

“These dishes are calling to you,” Dean smirks, turning around and dropping a kiss on Sam’s forehead.

 

“Something else is calling me,” Sam purrs.

 

To anyone else Dean’s appearance may not have changed but Sam noticed the slight widening of his eyes and the way they darkened slightly with lust. 

 

“Sam you have homework,” Dean said as he tried to step out of Sam’s embrace. Sam, however, was having none of that. Taking a step forward he trapped Dean between the sink and his hard body. 

 

“Yes I have a very pressing take home assignment,” Sam grins before leaning in to kiss Dean hungrily.

 

Dean indulged the kiss for a second or two. Eventually he gently eased his mouth away, the only hint of tension being in the way he balled up his fists at his sides. 

 

“Plenty of time to play later Sammy,” Dean winks.

 

Alright that’s it. Sam had had enough. If Dean didn’t want gentle then Sam was going to go hunter all over his ass!

 

“No I think we’ll play now,” Sam murmurs as he gripped Dean’s hips tightly, fingering digging in to the point of slight pain. 

 

“Sammy-

 

Sam cut Dean off with a bruising kiss, not giving him the chance to deny him. During the kiss he slid a hand into Dean’s hair giving a sharp tug and causing the older man to moan slightly. 

 

“Sam what the hell,” Dean said, trying to sound stern but it really came out more breathless. 

 

“We’re going to the bedroom,” Sam said as roughly started to lead Dean across the small apartment. 

 

“Hey wait a minute…Sam stop!” Dean commanded, tugging his hand out of Sam’s. 

 

“You want to do it on the couch? Fine by me,” Sam smirks. 

 

“Come on dude,” Dean mutters, trying to look anywhere but Sam.

 

“Dean you are so obviously into this,” Sam said, gesturing to the obvious bulge in Dean’s jeans. 

 

“Sammy-“

 

“I know what you have been doing,” Sam whispers darkly into Dean’s ear as he slowly trailed kisses and nips up and down his brother’s neck.

 

“What have I been doing?” Dean asks, hissing when Sam bit down on the flesh between his neck and shoulder.

 

“Avoiding the physical, distracting me with what you think I want,” Sam whispers, his hand traveling to cup the bulge in his brother’s pants. 

 

“You deserve better” Dean moans, arching into his brother’s touch.

 

“Well now I’m horny and frustrated and I want to take it out on your body.” 

 

Sam pushed Dean onto the couch, climbing and straddling his brother’s lap. 

 

“This is coming off,” He said sternly as he removed Dean’s shirt.

 

Dean opened his mouth in what looked like another protest but Sam was faster, latching a hand around his brother’s throat and giving a quick but violent squeeze.

 

“No more talking Dean.” 

 

The bite of pain seems to spur Dean on as he slowly begins bucking his hips against Sam’s, seeking friction. 

Sam rips off Dean’s shirt and immediately latches his mouth against a nipple causing Dean to hiss and buck harder. Sam isn’t gentle and scraped the hardened bud with his teeth and receives a satisfied moan in return. 

Dean has his eyes closed but his hands have wound around Sam, squeezing his ass and forcing his hips forward. 

 

“Sammy,” Dean whispers huskily. “God yes that’s it baby boy.” 

 

Sam smirks as he kisses his way down Dean’s chest and begins to mouth the bulge over the jeans.

 

Dean is lost in sensation and all he can do is moan as Sam starts to unzip him, letting his erection spring free. 

Sam is momentarily fascinated with Dean’s cock. It’s bigger than he thought it would be but then again he shouldn’t be surprised, lord knows the ladies have never complained! He remembers his date Kelli trying to do this once (wow Dean was right, she was a slut!). He remembers feeling uncomfortable because it was too dry to feel good, well he won’t have that problem!

 

Sam quickly licks Dean’s cock from balls to tip, causing Dean’s eyes to pop open in shock.

 

“Holy shit Sam!” Dean exclaims, but it sounds more like holyshitsam!

 

Sam doesn’t stop, doesn’t even give Dean the chance to try and stop him. Sam is relentless, coating the shaft with his saliva, sucking the tip into his mouth and tasting the bitter salty explosion of all things Dean. 

 

Every time Dean would appear to get a hold of himself Sam would give a savage bite to his inner thigh, sparks of pain sending Dean reeling back into pleasure again. Soon Dean’s hands were fisted in his little brother’s hair and it was all he could do not to fuck his mouth. 

 

Soon enough Dean’s balls were tightening and a horse shout was all the warning Sam got before the salty spray was filling his mouth. Sam lapped it up eagerly, already addicted to the bitter taste of his brother. His own orgasm followed quickly much to his chagrin but if Dean was annoyed by Sam coming without being touched he didn't act like it.

 

Dean sat there breathing heavily for a moment. Sam looked up at him shyly from behind his hair, hoping that now that the moment was over, Dean wouldn’t be mad. Thankfully though, Dean gave a half smile and gestured for Sam to settle in his arms. 

 

“Now I know they don’t teach you to suck cock like a porn star in school,” Dean teased, nuzzling his brother’s neck. 

 

“You weren’t taking the right classes,” Sam teased back. 

 

The brothers sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, enjoying this new facet to their relationship.

 

“Never got one of those from a guy before,” Dean grinned, shaking his head.

 

“Really?” Sam asked, completely lost in post hook up bliss, “what about the guy from the other night?”

 

Stupid, such a stupid thing for him to say. The moment the words leave his mouth Sam wants scream. He was just so damned happy and relaxed! 

 

Dean froze for a minute before turning a stony face towards his brother.

 

“How the hell do you know about that?”


	10. Trust You Trust Me

Sam froze like a deer in headlights. What could he say? What other way could he have known about what Dean did the other night?

 

"Sam," Dean growled.

 

This was the perfect moment. Sam could come clean, beg for forgiveness, and they could start their new relationship fresh with no secrets. The confession was on the tip of his tongue before another thought stopped him. Dean was super embarrassed about his journal, if he knew Sam had been reading it he would likely stop talking to him for days, all his progress would be ruined which was the whole point of reading the journal in the first place.

 

"You told me," Sam blurted out.

 

The fury in Dean's eyes faded into dull confusion.

 

"What do you mean I told you?"

 

"Y-you were so drunk the other night," Sam stammered. "You came in locked yourself in the bathroom for a while and when you finally came out you were babbling about kissing men with brown hair."

 

Dean stared at Sam for a moment and Sam tried to remember to breathe. He didn't lie to his brother often and he hoped that fact would give him enough credibility to pull it off now.

 

"I don't remember saying anything like that," Dean muttered. "I didn't think I was that drunk."

 

"Trust me Dean you were that drunk," Sam laughed nervously.

 

"Right," Dean said slowly, eyebrows still drawn together in confusion. "Well Sammy you gotta know…I didn't do anything with that guy."

 

Sam lifted his eyes meeting Deans with a hopeful gaze.

 

"Sammy look I don't wanna get to girlie here but," Dean sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Sam you know I've been having a hard time with this thing between us and I thought maybe if I found someone who looked enough like you I could get it out of my system."

 

"I know this was difficult for you," Sam said softly, not meeting his brother's eyes.

 

"Sammy, look at me baby boy," Dean said as he gently lifted Sam's chin. "I couldn't go through with it Sam. I picked him up at a bar and I'll admit I did kiss him but…"

 

"But what?" Sam whispered.

 

"His eyes were wrong," Dean admitted. "Yours are a little slanted, sort of like cat eyes. His were round and there wasn't enough green in them."

 

Sam's breath caught at his brother's confession. He knew Dean knew everything about him, could identify him in any situation, but to hear him describe his eyes like that made something inside him melt just a little.

 

Sam slowly wrapped his arms around his brother's neck, as if Dean were an animal in danger of being scared off.

 

"Fuck me," Sam breathed into his ear.

 

"Sammy no," Dean said with wide eyes, trying to step out of his brother's embrace.

 

"Dean please," Sam begged. "I need you to fuck me. Instead of just picking up strangers who looks like me you can have the real thing."

 

"You're too young," Dean insisted.

 

"Do I look young?" Sam asked as he took a step back, gesturing to his body.

 

"Sam," Dean sighed. "I'm not going to have sex with you."

 

"But-"

 

"Yet," Dean continued, cutting Sam off. "When we have sex I don't want it to be because you were jealous of some nameless face in a bar. I want it to be because we both agreed we were ready."

 

"Wow," Sam said after a moment. "That was actually very mature Dean."

 

"Hey I can be an adult when the situation calls for it," Dean laughed.

 

Dean took a step towards Sam and snaked an arm around his waist, slipping his hand down the back of his jeans. He pulled Sam flush against his hips, grinding his already half hard cock against his younger brothers.

 

"Just because we aren't going to have sex doesn't mean there aren't other things we can try," Dean whispered hotly.

 

Sam grinned, his hand dropping immediately to Dean's length trapped between them.

 

"Not this time baby boy," Dean smirked as he quickly picked up Sam, placing his palms under his brother's ass forcing Sam to wrap his long legs around Dean's waist.

 

Dean walked the two of them into the bedroom dropping Sam onto the bed. Dean crawled up the younger man's body with a predatory gleam in his eyes.

 

"This time it's my turn to taste."

 

(BREAK)

 

Sam wasn't sure if he woke up and then smiled or if it was the smile on his face that woke him. He stretched lazily, feeling the bones in his body crack. His whole body felt languid, relaxed in a way that only multiple orgasms the evening before can achieve. Sam frowned slightly when he realized the space next to him that was previously occupied by his brother was now empty, but it had not gone completely cold so he was assured Dean had not been gone too long.

 

Sam swung his legs over the side and slowly got out of bed, taking time to stretch and stretch his bare stomach. A brief glance at the mirror showed hair floppy brown sticking up at odd angles and the beginnings of a dark purple bite forming on his collar bone. The physical evidence of the night before only enhanced Sam's happiness as he wandered into the kitchen looking for his brother.

 

After a minute Sam determined Dean was not home, which was fine, Dean often left in the morning for various errands. Sam returned to their bedroom with every intention of simply showering and getting dressed but the moment he realized he was alone he couldn't resist a look at the journal.

 

With one last look towards the door Sam sat on the bed and opened the journal to an entry that must have been made after Sam fell asleep:

 

Well my plan to slow things down obviously didn't work since I'm sitting here sporting Sam's nail marks down my back. I know this is about the time where I freak out but at the moment I am just too damn happy to feel guilty and you know what? I think I deserve a few hours of happiness so I will ask you to please stop judging me thank you very much. I mean why couldn't this work? Sam knows me I mean the kid really knows me. He knows I am a cocky borderline alcoholic MONSTER HUNTER and he's still begging to sleep with me. He loves me, and of course I love him. I don't know if I'm IN love with him but I know I would burn this whole miserable world down for that kid. I mean after we finished fooling around last night I watched him sleeping for a while (insert joke about me being a giant girl here) and I grabbed my knife from under the pillow where I keep it and I was just looking at it and I realized if anything came through that door, no matter what, I would kill it. So maybe that's enough. Most of all I trust him, like I really trust him with my life. I've never trusted anyone the way I trust that stupid hormonal teenager. Sam is the one good thing in my miserable life and maybe it's time I get with the program.

 

Sam looked up from the journal with an awed expression. Dean's entries were so often funny or rambles or about ganking nasties that Sam was ashamed to admit he forgot the depth of feeling his brother possessed. The entry humbled him and at the same time left him with a hollow feeling in his heart. Dean trusted him and here Sam was violating his privacy. Suddenly all the justifications Sam had for reading the diary seemed stupid, nothing was worth risking the faith his brother had in him. This would be the last time Sam ever looked at it again.

 

"Find anything interesting?"

 

Sam jumped up, the book falling from his lap. Dean leaned against the doorway stone faced.

 

"Dean I was just-"

 

"I knew I didn't mention that guy the other night," Dean whispered. "I knew no matter how drunk I was that I would never hurt you by telling you that."

 

"Dean please just let me explain," Sam pleaded.

 

"Explain that you went through my stuff and invaded my privacy?"

 

"Dean I didn't know it was your diary when I found it-"

 

"It is NOT a diary!" Dean yelled, his face turning bright red.

 

"No I know-"

 

"It is a JOURNAL Sam," Dean clarified. "In our line of work it is important to keep a journal! I use it for work! If you were a responsible hunter you would have one too."

 

"Dean," Sam said in what he hoped was a soothing voice. "I know it's for work, you have some great entries about hunts in here."

 

"Good to know you got so far through it," Dean muttered as he turned to leave.

 

"Wait Dean please," Sam began to follow.

 

"Just leave me alone Sam!" Dean yelled, slamming the door behind him and leaving Sam all alone.

 

A/N I know this was not a happy chapter I am so sorry guys but it had to happen review and let me know anyone still reads!


	11. The Diary of Sam Winchester

  
Author's notes: Last Chapter! Also because I am incompetent and cannot figure out how to do italics on this site the journal entries will be in quotes to attempt to make it less confusing for y'all!  


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A/N I have no words…I suck. Sorry for the absence everyone. I had to change my name due to a problem of a personal nature so I hope it doesn’t confuse anyone! This is the last chapter, it is a little different from the others (Dean’s POV instead of Sam’s) but I hope you guys enjoy it I am actually really proud of it…so don’t burst my bubble  Chapter is rated R!!!

 

Dean Winchester was good at a lot of things.

 

He could nail a harpy between the eyes fifty feet away (and those bastards were tricky). When they were kids and were allowed to have gum his bubbles were way bigger than Sam’s, stupid kid always just ended up spitting out the gum. His car purred like a kitten because of how obsessed he was with maintaining the engine. When Sam was a baby nobody was better than him at getting the kid to take a bath. He could salt and burn a set of bones like nobody’s business and he always, always guessed the end to monster movies.

 

But the thing Dean was best at? Holding a grudge. 

 

The first couple of days after he found his little brother turned lover (wow still hard to get used to THAT one) reading his oh so manly journal Dean had given him the deep freeze. It was not just any silent treatment; oh no it was the Winchester special: no talking, no eye contact, absolutely no acknowledging the other person was even there. Winchester men have perfected this art, which meant Sam knew exactly what he was in for. 

 

At first Sam left Dean alone, he probably figured Dean would lose some steam eventually. If Sam were still just his annoying kid brother he probably wouldn’t have even lasted two days but things were different now, Sam saw things Dean never meant for anyone to see.

If there was one thing Dean was bad at, it was being embarrassed. Even worse than that, being vulnerable. 

 

So Dean went right on his merry way freezing Sam out. Sure if Sam actually needed something Dean helped him in the most proficient way possible, God he still loved the kid he would never let anything happen to him.

 

Anything more than what was necessary? Dean was done playing that game. 

 

After the freeze out hit the one week mark Sam must have gotten fed up because he started trying to…entice Dean. Showers timed so he could walk through the bedroom in a towel, conveniently dropping things so he could slowly pick them back up, Christ their daily lives became like a prelude to a porno.

 

Not that Dean didn’t look; he was pissed not made of stone. All that tan skin (how did the kid keep that up in winter anyway?) Dean would have had to been castrated to not look…and even then he was sure he would have felt some phantom pains down there at the site of Sam’s perfectly formed ass.

 

Aaaaaaand he was getting way off topic. 

 

When the seduce the brother thing back fired, it was then Sam seemed to really panic. He started asking Dean for help with his homework (yeah right the kid had been helping Dean with his homework since sixth grade) faking sick (another epic fail, come on Dean invented that thermometer in the hot water trick) basically doing anything and everything to try to get them not just back to being lovers, but back to being friends. 

 

So that’s the short and long of it. That’s how they got to where they are today, one month since the journal incident and Dean hadn’t so much as cracked a smile in Sammy’s direction. Come to think of it this whole ramble would have made a great entry; instead he was stuck thinking in monologues like a loon.

 

“Dean enough of this!” Sam stormed into the current dump they were renting face red and eyes wild. 

 

Dramatic entrance, right on time. 

 

“Do you need help with something Sam?” Dean tried to keep his voice level and not notice how good his brother looked in a plain black t-shirt. Had he been working out? His muscles were coming in nicely…no stop it!

 

“Yeah I need help finding my brother because obviously he has been replaced by some sort of shifter!”

 

“Sam that’s ridiculous, go get a silver dagger and I will prove to you it is the same old me.” Dean tried to hide his wince because he knew even as he said it that it was a lie. He hasn’t been the same in a month, not since the one person he thought would never hurt him betrayed his trust. 

 

“Dean I’m sorry I hurt you,” Sam said as he got down on his knees in front of Dean, his hazel eyes pleading. “I’m sorry I ruined this thing between us.”

 

Do not break, do not break, do not break. Do not get sucked into the awesome powers of Sam’s puppy dog eyes. They are not that cute! Who was he kidding those eyes could have caused the fall of Rome instead of….uhh whatever caused the fall of Rome. 

 

“Dean,” Sam whispered, daring to reach forward and take his brothers hand. “Even if we can’t be…like that again, can’t we go back to being best friends?”

 

For a split second Dean considered, and if his deadly sin hadn’t been pride he may have accepted.

 

“We’re brothers Sam,” he said gruffly, taking back his hand and standing up. “We were never friends.”

Dean left quickly so he wouldn’t have to see the heart break on the face of the one person he loved most in this world.

 

(BREAK)

 

During the day when Sam was at school were the only moments Dean could breathe. It was hard to front all the time that he wasn’t as affected by this whole thing as Sam was. 

 

After making sure Sam left for school Dean sighed and made his way back into the bedroom. God he was tired, he had things to research for the hunt his dad was currently on but first he was going to fall into a sleep coma.

His bed apparently had different plans because when he collapsed onto it, something hard jabbed him in the back.

 

What the f-

 

There was an open book on his bed, damn Sam and his text books. Dean was about to toss it onto his brothers be when he noticed the leather bound book was too small to be a text book, and the pages appeared to be handwritten. 

 

Alright how do I start this off? Dear Journal? Slightly cliché but better than nothing I suppose.

 

"Dear Journal,

My name is Sam Winchester and a brilliant hunter one told me that all good hunters must keep a journal so I figured I might as well get used to it."

 

Holy shit, Sam started a journal? His first thought was to immediately chuck it across the room like the thing was a bible and he had one hell of a demon riding his meat suit. Then again…Sam DID leave this open on HIS bed…obviously the kid wanted him to see this.

 

Even if he didn’t…eye for an eye and all that.

 

No, no it’s wrong to read this it is PRIVATE and he will not sink to Sam’s level.

 

He did have a few hours before Sam got home…

 

NO Dean Winchester was not a hypocrite! 

 

Who the hell was he kidding of course he was…

 

"Journal I did a really stupid thing last week. I read something of Dean’s that was private and personal. Once would have been bad enough but I didn’t just stop at one time. The thing you have to know about Dean is he is so incredibly strong. So strong in fact, that it is difficult for anyone to get past that outer armor. When I read his journal, it was like a road map to this amazing land I had been looking for, for years. I knew it was wrong but seeing into the mind of someone I love so very much with their defenses down, show me the man who could resist that bounty."

 

Jeeze Sam wrote like a girl, all flowery and poetic and shit. At the same time it was so very Sam that it made his heart clench.

 

"They say knowledge is power and power requires responsibility. I was not responsible with this power, I used it cruelly and I lied about it. I convinced myself it was okay because the end result was something worth the deceit but I know now that nothing is worth the look on Dean’s face when he realized what I had done. I would rather we had gone our entire lives without ever becoming romantically involved than seeing that look on Dean’s face. I need someone to talk to so I guess that will be you journal and if one day Dean finds you and reads you, sure I will be mortified because I know how much of a pansy I sound like, but at least he will know how much I regret what I have done."

 

There were no tears in his eyes, nope not a single one. Obviously the room got all blurry because he needs contacts or some shit. Sam’s journal wasn’t half as full as Dean’s but he did have a few entries in there and at this point Dean couldn’t stop reading if he wanted too.

 

"Dean made me dinner today. He didn’t just frozen meal it or greasy diner food he actually cooked me dinner. He didn’t speak to me the entire time and took his plate into the bedroom but the fact that he cooked me dinner has to mean something right? You don’t put that kind of effort into something for someone you don’t care about. God, maybe I am reading to much into things. I could have sliced off Dean’s finger and he would still take care of me. I remember when we were younger, gosh I must have been five and Dean nine, I would always ask for spaghetti. I would ask every night and every night Dean would say he didn’t know how to make it until one night I must have worn him down because he proudly served us the crunchiest spaghetti in the world…it was the best thing I had ever eaten. That’s just how Dean is you know? He didn’t just want to take care of me; he wanted to make me happy. I can’t remember a time where I wasn’t in love with Dean. It’s always been him, even when he grew older and we lost some of that closeness, for me it was always just Dean." 

 

Dean let out a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding. He remembered that day; they were in a dingy hotel that didn’t have a kitchen so he tried to boil the water for the pasta with a lighter. God he was stupid kid…and yet…the smile on Sammy’s chubby little face had been so worth it.

 

"I wonder if there is such a thing as soul mates. I know the concept is utterly ridiculous but at the same time I feel this pull towards Dean that is more than just the familial bond. All of my major life events are centered around Dean, including the most terrifying moment of my life. Dad was on a hunt, I was about ten years old and Dean was bitching because he made us stay in the car. At 14 Dean thought he was invincible and ready to be out there with our Father. It turned out the local authorities were also tracking this thing and of course in a fit of panic when faced with something they didn’t understand, the police started firing. It must have been a rogue bullet or something because in the blink of an eye Dean was hit. Now I know it was only a shoulder wound but God the blood was everywhere and I was convinced Dean was dying. Dad rushed us to the hospital but I was crying to hard I couldn’t breathe. I kept begging Dean not to die and I still remember what he said to me “Hey Sammy why are you crying? I’m not gonna die buddy, as long as your heart is still beating my heart is still beating. I will never leave you.” 

 

“What are you reading?” Dean whipped around to find Sam standing in the doorway, backpack slung casually over his shoulder.

 

“Sammy,” Dean whispered, voice clogged with emotion.

 

“Look Dean I know I’m supposed to be at school but-“

The kid never got a chance to finish the sentence. 

 

Dean was on him like a heat seeking missile. He threw his entire body into the kiss, hips meeting hips, hands in Sam’s ridiculously long hair, tongue thrusting into his baby brother’s mouth. 

 

“Dean,” Sam gasped, trying to kiss him and talk to him at the same time. “Dean I am so sorry.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Dean whispered while kissing down the side of his neck. “I am such a shit.” 

 

“No you, ah! Had every right to be a-angry,” Sam stuttered out.

 

“Shut up Sammy,” Dean growled, grabbing Sam’s ass and hoisting him up against the wall. 

 

The two men kissed until they were panting for breath and the only oxygen available seemed to be in the other one’s mouth.

 

“Do you want me to take you Sammy?” Dean whispered darkly in his brother’s ear. There were so many reasons not to do it. They had just reconnected it was too soon, Sam was too young, etc. but all Dean could think about was finally claiming this amazing man in every way possible. 

 

“Yes,” Sam groaned, pushing off against the wall and sending the pair tumbling towards Dean’s bed. 

The moment they hit the bed Dean made quick work of both their clothes, practically ripping his brother’s boxers from his waist. Sam was rock hard and so ready for him, 

 

Dean had to remind himself he wasn’t dealing with a seasoned pro here despite the pornographic sounds his brother was making. 

 

“Fuck I don’t have any lube,” Dean muttered, glancing around the room wildly for something they can use.

 

“Wait,” Sam said as he reached into his back pack, producing a small bottle of lubricant.

 

“What the…you planned this!”

 

“Don’t be mad,” Sam begged as a blush hit his cheeks. “It wasn’t a plan more like a last ditch attempt to win you back.” 

 

“Oh you are going to be sorry for that baby boy,” Dean growled playfully, “another day. Today we go nice and slow.”

 

Sam nodded no fear in his eyes, only desire. Dean slicked up his finger and nudged at Sam’s hole, all the while whispering in the boy’s ear.

 

Sam winced at the discomfort but the Winchesters were seasoned pro’s at pain and soon Dean had three fingers inserted. 

 

‘Wait for it Sammy,” he muttered, moving his fingers around looking for that one spot. “Wait for it…”

 

Sam gasped and jumped half way off the bed before his muscles turned to jello.

 

“Dean,” he groaned, thrusting wantonly onto his brother’s hand.

 

“Bada bing,” Dean grinned before removing his hand and placing himself at his brother’s entrance.

 

Dean kept one hand on his brother’s cock, stroking him back to full hardness as he nudged his way inside. 

 

Sam winced and tightened like a vice on his brother’s cock but Dean kept talking him through it. Eventually the whispered words of encouragement got through to Sam and he loosened up enough for Dean to become full encased within Sam’s heat.

 

Dean would like to say the sex was long and beautiful but in reality he didn’t last long at all. He did manage to hold off long enough to let the combination of stroking 

 

Sam’s length and fucking his prostate make Sam cum, but the moment that happened he was a goner.

 

They lay there in the aftermath both of them panting and entwined, neither of them having the strength nor the will to move.

 

“Sorry I read your journal Sammy,” Dean said as he kissed the top of his brother’s head.

 

“I’m not,” Sam grinned before wincing as Dean’s cock slipped free. “Oh man I hope Dad does not make me do squat thrusts tomorrow.”

 

The brother’s were silent for a moment before both cracking up, shattering the last of the tension.

 

“This month sucked,” Sam said quietly once the laughter had died.

 

“I know Sam, I was a prick.”

Sam was silent a moment too long for Dean’s taste.

 

“What’s on your mind baby boy?”

 

“Dean,” Sam whispered, not meeting his brother’s eyes. 

 

“Are you going to leave me again?”

 

Dean’s expression immediately sobered as he turned to face his brother.

 

“No Sammy,” he whispered, putting his hand on his brother’s chest. “As long as your heart is still beating mine is still beating because it is the same heart. I will never leave you.”

 

Sam’s eyes watered although he smiled through the tears.

 

“No chick flick moments Dean.”

 

A/N Not going to lie I may have teared up a few times while writing this. Please review and let me know if you liked it even though I am a butt head! Also I know some of you will think Dean was too hard on Sam but come on we all know Dean Winchester is the master of the deep freeze and he never once actually neglected Sam’s needs.


End file.
